Wednesday, November 02, 2005

thishasgottobethedownestperiodofthesem,andpossiblytheyear.ormaybenot.

been feeling absolutely fabulous the past few days or was it weeks?? i cant even remember. that is, if one believes that "absolutely fabulous" consists of:

no smiles
small or large amounts of water falling out of the windows to your soul
thinking-but-not-thinking
hitting the pillows at an earliest of 3am everynight
growing sideways
arguments
silent wars
and a whole load of other sh*t.

why do i feel like tat? it's not healthy, i know, and i am really dying to get out of this neverending hole, but i don't know what to do. some pple think that i do know what i want, and that i do know what to do, but the bottomline in this hole is that i cant make myself acknowledge the fact that THAT is what i want and THAT is what i'll do. it's so tough.

i encounter something and decide on it and say it out. after a while, i think that maybe, just maybe the other option sounds better, so i change my decision. when the real thing comes, the other option just doesnt make me feel like it's right, but then again, neither does the first! what on earth is happening? maybe a concussion will do the trick --> just knock all the unhappy stuff outta my head and when i wake up, i there issues will be there no longer and neither the head nor the heart would have to deal with them any further. or maybe i should go be a nun, but i'll have to shave my head and i cant quite bear to.

that aside, the dateline for work and travel usa 2006 payment is this saturday, in 3 days time. initially, i was all set and honestly looking forward to spending summer there. and then 1 week before, sha comes and tells me that her parents disapprove of it. what was i supposed to do there and there? i did what came naturally, just sat at my table at home, 1 hand holding my hp displaying the sms, while my eyes watered. sounds silly i know, but i was that sad :(

the onli reply i msged back to her was 3 words that werent so nice. felt bad after doing that, but there just wasnt anymore mood to 'say something nice' although i know it's not her fault and that her parents were concerned for her. oh well.

spent the days after that thinking about what to do. to go or not to go - that is the question.

although i was all ready for bed in pjs and with brushed teeth, i still went out for supper. it was a tour around northern singapore - amk, mandai, some expressway, woodlands, mandai again, amk again, jalan kayu finally. prata there is friggin expensive.

seldom do i just talk about what's bothering and making me feel totally off, but that night, i talked. and more than that, but that shall be kept offline. i said out for the 1st time why i felt like the b*tch in this, why this misery is building up, that i really really really want to throw everything and everyone away and just don't bother, that i cant feel nothing nowadays and how numb everything is to me.

that done, i know it's horrible but the reality still has to be faced, there's no point running away from it and pushing it into oblivion cos u never know when it'll come back to smack you in the face in future.

courage is when you know you're licked before you start, but you start anyway and see through it no matter what ~Harper Lee in TKAMB~

atticus finch stuck through what he felt was the right thing to do by being attorney for tom robinson, despite the downsides and negative feedback and actions he was experiencing from those around him. i'm not getting snide remarks or caricactures in newspapers about what i'm doing (or not doing), so it's not so bad, but if finch could do it, well, i wanna be able to do it too.

it's the battle of the Stressors now, let's see who wins - developmental psyc or lcp or marketing or stats or cnm or ME!!

i'm placing my bets on ME!!

going nuts...
if you read this, and if i see you in school or something and you think i look uninterested in talking or even saying hi to you, pls don't be mistaken, i'm not.

i'm just tired.