Tuesday, May 31, 2005

i'm in a complete pissified mood now. i cant explain it. all i know is that the past few days have been a complete jumble of mood swings. happy and smiley 1 moment, and unable to smile and all grumpy the next moment. if it was more serious, i'd diagnose myself with bipolar disorder.

i'm happy that lydia passed her driving. i really wanna meet up with the clarinetists. no make that the few clarinetists from pl band, cos we haf not met for soo long, since beginning of the year. lydia's gg to real estate for now, and yay that means i'll get to see her in sch nex sem. dunno bout donut yet, whether she's gg to nus. or yean too.

finally meeting the band girls - vj band girls - on sunday. we're having california pizza kitchen hopefully..been wanting to go back there eversince that 1 dinner w terence there last year.

dunno if vj clarinetists are meeting up this week. but this week only sunday is free cos the rest of the days are work or precamp. sigh.

attended my first lesson earlier with marchelle and jasmine. think we had fun, though jas and i had horrible aching feet after that haha. and jas, what was that about the cute angmoh??!! haha.

today is really bread-day for erin here. ate 6 pieces of bread and an avocado shake for the whole of today. that's amazing. amazingly pathetic. and i'm not even talking about what time i ate breakfast (1130am) or lunch (6pm) or dinner (1030pm).

right. back to the bad mood. received a call while i was on the train home. the caller told me that i was to be ghost for fright night which i absolutely haf no wish to be. that did it. it ruined my mood for the rest of the night. i couldn't even stop the muscles in my face from being so tense after that. good thing nobody i knew was around on the train or on my way home to see my black face. not a pretty sight at all. i know.

whatever. capital W.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

is this daughter-jealousy or wat? but i'm starting to think that mummy is enjoying hanging out with her friends than with us! gasp, the horror. asked her last night if she was going out today, and she immediately put her finger to her lips. maybe that was cos daddy was already sleeping but to me, it meant otherwise. it meant that yes she was going out and no it would be best if daddy knew nothing about it.

wth.

ok, cancel "wth" earlier. cos i did the same thing to pa a few days ago. he didn't get angry, he even sounded friendly over the phone when he offered to fetch me home from wherever i was. i felt and stil feel bad for lying to pa. sorry pa. i'll tell you in future.

yesterday afternoon was fedora's sister's wedding at bethesda frankel estate church. it was far and hot. but it was worth it, because the wedding was really sweet and all things nice. could see that theodora was really beaming from head to toe, though i don't know her personally except that she's fe's sister and that she recognises us, i'm happy for her and her new man - aaron. jocelyn sang a very lovely song yesterday for her 'gor' - the groom. it has created a different meaning altogether for liverpool's favourite song. not to mention how sweet she looked yesterday too!

the food fair at expo was crazy. there were so many people just squeezing their butts and prams and kids through. 1 funny incident happened. in the midst of trying to move inches forward, sha exclaimed loudly with blatant displeasure in her voice: "why do people want to bring their kids here?! esp the small kids! they're so small, so dangerous. TSK!" this was followed by a completely stunned look from a mother standing beside me, moving in the opposite direction, and holding her little boy's hand. as we managed to move forward a bit more, that stunned mother deliberately raised her voice and retorted: "who will look after the kids if we leave them at home!" that was hilarious.

i saw veronica at the stall selling coffee. so nice to see her. i'm really looking forward to meeting the 3 of them and the clarinetists soon.

things have happened over the past few days. big stuff, small stuff. certain events i won't blog about here not because they're insignificant to me, but mainly because i just dun feel like it.

i know you'll read this, and yes i know u check out this site from time to time. to be frank, i didn't know where or how to start on friday, but i did anyway. once again, i'm really sorry that it's like this now. like i said, i more than just plain appreciate everything that you've done, all your effort that you've put in, in more ways than one, the numerous attempts on your side to accommodate me and give me ample space to breathe, and most importantly, how you've barely demanded anything of me.

thank you so much for accepting me the way i was, the way i am, still. but please understand that i dun want to create further disappointment in you and in myself, hence i'd rather it be now than in the future. i'm sorry if you still think that i did not try hard enough, but i did. i figured that you wouldn't be satisfied with the sorta reply i gave you, but please don't drive me into a corner, that's almost the last thing on earth that would drive me nuts. you say i'm just unwilling to think harder and feel more, maybe that's the case, but that's why erin is erin. i'm starting to think that she could be too lazy to even bother thinking, but no that's not the case. she has thought it through, hard enough and as difficult as it was to decide, she did. lastly, thank you so so so much for the memories.

absolutely nothing can put into words the way i feel now. it's an awful concoction of bad emotions. bad, not as in evil, but bad like non-positive. i think anybody would call this g-u-i-l-t. i cant explain exactly this feeling. but its something i know i dun want to experience again, if possible. it's horrible.

i wanna say thanks to a few people - J who willingly made the effort to listen and talk to me about things, sha and bing who i knew i could always look for, and y for the company and advice, and I who gave assurance that he's just a phonecall away.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

not been blogging for quite a while, so i shall get on with it, before my eyes shut down on me. have had a series of eventful days, and tiring days with so little sleep.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

i cant believe it rained at least 3 times today. all while we were at sentosa... -_- how disappointing! firstly, i did NOT get my tan like i planned to. in fact, i came home in the same skin colour that i left home with this morning. secondly, we could have had so much more fun...sigh. nevertheless, i had fun with dolus today ;)

melissa, jas, marchelle, xuan, melvin (or shd i say weivin haha), ivan, david, yingyi turned up today. for once, we didn't have to take the sentosa bus in, cos mel and markie drove! volleyball was fun, although i was such a lousy player haha, and although that has left quite alot of little red spots along my arms...blood clots i think. eww. xuan taught us funtouch rugby which was really fun. and really tiring. i can't believe how that little bit of running to catch the ball and avoid getting touched (esp by mel) was such a test of stamina. or the lack of stamina rather.

first we were running around in the rain, then in the drizzle, then freezing away in the wind, more playing in the rain, soaking in the sea and freezing again in the wind. i feel my bones and muscles aching already aww....

had yummy yummy gelare today with ivan mel and jas at suntec! 4 scoops of pure fantastic tasting ice cream - namely cookies&cream, run&raisin, choco overload and choco with chocochips or something like that - were enough to make us (jas and i especially) craving for more. oops, unhealthy stuff....

that was supposed to be dinner. i didn't intend on eating anymore other than fruits, for the rest of the night. but that wasn't the way it turned out.

i had chicken chop at amk at 11pm...oh......it was yummy though!

2 friends just found wonderful partners for themselves in each other. i'm so happy for them!!! oh wait, actually, i think they knew long ago about it, but wanted to wait till an appropriate timing? oh well, i wish the 2 of you eternity in bliss and happiness and love!!!!

Monday, May 16, 2005

i was late for work this morning by 23 minutes. oh crap. hey i did wait for what seemed like forever for the bus and the train.... ok, self-denial that i shoulda got outta da house EARLIER. was rushing my oh-not-so-long legs like mad from somerset to paragon. and i just had to run down to breadtalk to get a piece of nice warm chewy soft bread breakfast cos i was positively starving!~

freshly baked bread tastes awesome early in the morning..it's unbelievably soft and mmm mmm mmm! i'll grab another one if i'm near a bakery ever so early in the morning again.

anyway, amanda was really unhappy that i rushed in late. it's gonna be hard, but i wanna be there 10 minutes before time in future. had garlic roasted mushroom pasta for lunch, tasted good on the tastebuds for half the plate, and then i got a little tired of the taste. just too garlicky for me. adored the Numerous Mushrooms though! sha fixed a mocha for both of us before i went off..yummy :)

i can't believe i actually went running immediately after i got home from work. the key word here is Immediately. it's just so un-erin to go work out the legs more after standing for 7 hours straight. anyway, it's good exercise.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

i feel so childish sometimes. so mean to mummy.

i suggested going somewhere for dinner, everyone was happy, except daddy who was indifferent about it. when mummy came back in the evening, chuan and i were all looking forward to yummy raw fish hk style, when daddy announced that he was too lazy to travel too far.

it was an immediate reaction. my face turned black. i couldn't see it of course, but i Felt it. and yea, mummy saw it. she din like it too much but nah, no scolding or stuff like that. she just promised that we'll (just mummy chuan and i) go this wednesday after she gets back from work.

isn't this so silly? i'm 19 and a half and i indirectly 'made' my mummy do that. oh gosh. what's the matter with me? but anyway, i'm looking forward to wednesday's dinner then!

tmr i've got work at 10 till 5. long day but it's ok. i like working at projectshop cafe actually. the people there are sooo nice! ok, maybe except amanda, the australian chef who has the ability to just scare u into silence with her cutting remarks. other than that, there's farid, eric, erm alvin, azmi, danny, shalynn, nicholas, johnathon who are just fun fun fun to work with. not to mention nicholas's lameness and cold jokes to crack up your tired day, and his drinks to quench your thirsty mouth. i'm so glad i got this job, although i work 6 hours for 36 bucks, unlike some people who 'work' 2 hours for 100 bucks... joel is going there for an interview on tue, i hope he gets it! since alvin doesnt know that i know him, maybe just maybe, we'll get to wrok the same shift. shalynn and i haf yet to work the same shift...

found myself linking to hordes of ex-pl-lites' blogs. esp pl band people. i miss band. i miss my clarinet. i miss my section especially lydia eugenia liyean juliana philifer shiwei. we're not so close anymore, sadly. am so looking forward to seeing lydia in nus next sem!! should have a gathering soon, it's the hols peeps!!

i've been eating a little too much lately. had sinfully mouth-watering deserts for a few days, great dinner at bloodcafe and late suppers...aww. i wanna run more and exercise more....i don't want to grow sideways. more. sheesh.

too many things have been happening lately. too many for comfort. my comfort, your comfort.

i'm sorry that things have ended up like this at this point in time though it's only been a couple of months. but like what i said earlier, i dun like to continue doing something or getting myself involved in something that i'm not sure of. something that i've uncertainties about regarding the start, middle and future. something that i dunno which direction i'm heading in.

my english name oughta be extended to erin-indecisive. i can't help it! much as i want to be independent like so many other people out there, in making decisions, in carrying out tasks, in genuinely thinking about goals and directions, in making life-altering (somewhat...) changes, there's this inner inclination to depend and put aside.

Depend on others to decide for me, to give me hints and help buttons along the way so that i'll supposedly have lesser responsibility.

Put Aside issues when they evolve from straightforward and simple to complicated and confusing and questionable. that's just erin-ish. i know it's not good to keep doing that cos no problems can actually solve themselves that way. but that is way easier than facing the issue and working through it from head-to-toe and see if i can reduce the problem-rating to a big fat 0. it's just plain avoidance i say.

back to U: give me some time, i have to think this through carefully. it's about giving and taking and it's not fair to just give and receive so little in return. i don't want to shortchange you cos you deserve better than that. i'm sorry.

another pressing issue just got complicated. again. i don't even know where to start with this one. pardon me for my frank opinions here but is it fair to emphasize on the flaws of others and their wrongs and apparent wrongs when it takes 2 hands to clap? we are given 2 ears so that we can listen to both sides of the story, both sides of the coin, even if these 2 sides are utterly contrasting with each other. isn't it?

i've seen friendships go down the drain and experienced a couple myself. trust me on this: it really sux big time. a friend has said before that he has no expectations of the girl he was going after (they're happily together now) because everything she does for him is a Bonus.

i think it would be great if we can apply that to relationships other than those involving romance. it's inevitable that we have expectations of this person and that person because we care about them, because these are the people we deem important and significant in our lives and because these are the people that have made differences in our lives and we love them.

but expectations can be, bluntly said, suffocating. let's all not expect too much of those around us shall we? this world will be a happier place to live in.

i really have no wish to see the closeness between 2 people be broken up and flushed down the toiletbowl like that. i know the 2 of personally, and it's heartbreaking to see that happen. i hope it would never. Acceptance is important in any relationship, difficult as it may be alot of times. no more exchange of cutting remarks and pointing fingers. believe everyone is tired of that.

it would be wonderful if problems can come equipped with solutions in an answer booklet. hmm maybe not so wonderful, but the answer manual will be useful sometimes. i don't ever want to write another post like this one. let's hope i won't have to ever :)

Saturday, May 14, 2005

You Are 18 Years Old

18 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

Friday, May 13, 2005

i'm so stupid sometimes i dun even know how i managed that.

why am i so myopic at times? hmm come to think of it, make that most of the time. that kind of uncertainty and being at a complete loss as to being clear on things...that just soo gets on my nerves, i dun even understand myself. dun understand what i'm seeing, thinking, feeling, doing.

it's times like that when u wonder why you're doing/thinking/feeing 1 way when it clearly should be in another way.

crap. i hate feeling so sillly.

things are screwing up around me lately. relationships are fragile, they complicate themselves as we grow up. long gone are simplicity and innocence and freedom and restriction-free boundaries. here to stay are constraints, more issues to consider, more people to involve, and whatever sh*t everything has to offer. wth.

crap, grumpiness aint gonna help nothing. it'll do good to snap out of this, good for me, good for those around, good for the close pals, good for those who haf already been subjected to complaints and horrid moods.

Monday, May 09, 2005

yesterday was fun fun fun! went shopping with bing in the afternoon before meeting up with our respective friends..2 of us were eating ice cream and strolling thru the stores of Tangs, in particular the lingerie section. i din know they carried Bonds in singapore!!

met veron weiting huixian at city hall in the evening for dinner before the concert at vch. dinner was turkey breast salad from subway. not v filling but enough for then...why am i eating like that now?! the Japanese Orchestra performance was simply splendid. see the alliteration! it was honestly near perfection...first thing i noticed was the clarinet solo which really deserves 2-thumbs up! the piccoloist/flautist was marvellous too. basically all the violinist, percussionists and every performer was unbelievably outstanding. that was the first concert i attended where the conductor actually talks to the audience haha.

esp during the classical piece (which i heard led a couple of pple to doze off), my eyes started wondering around the hall, and i started thinking of syf all over again. haf i already blogged bout this but VJCSB got gold yay! wait, i think i wrote that already. oh whatever.

starbucks at suntec is such an amazing place...i absolutely love it there! hah maybe it was the company that made the ambience so great too! i miss hanging out more w veron and wt and hx, like we used to last time, esp aft band pracs...in particular at parkway haha. whats new...my sch is 5 bus stops away onli leh.

was on the way home with shalynn today at somerset mrt when shocking news erm. shocked us. an ex classmate / bandmate is no longer with us now...why did she haf to do that? both of us were stunned for quite a while. i'm still shocked actually. suddenly what i 'studied' about that chapter in abnormal psyc just flooded my head...wth loads and loads of questions. why why why?

i'm not going to say stuff like if only.....cos thats so hypocritical i think. i admit, i was never close to her, never enjoyed her company much only because she was so insensitive to others and bleah. althought we were both from band and from the same class, we had distinctly different cliques, and the closest i ever got to her was collecting homework from her. nevertheless, i wish she didn't do what she did because she is only 20 years old with a long road in front of her. a long road that could haf unfolded over the next few decades.

if there's anything i've gotten out of this, it's the true realisation that life is indeed precious. the effort put in by everyone around you, the effort put in by yourself to bring you to the point at which u're standing on now, all that didn't come easy.

Friday, May 06, 2005

the weather is absolutely screwing up big time again. as it does every year. it was pouring like crazy this afternoon after music ended at 1pm. thanks to ms saedah who drove me home!!

sha and i went to projectshop cafe for an interview. we applied for a part-time position, but the guy seemed really eager for us to take on the full-time job instead. we agreed, albeit a little reluctantly. he'll give us a ring tomorrow to let us know whether or not we got it.

only realised something on the way back: that if i take the full-time job, how am i going to fit in music lessons and salsa lessons (?) and UB/J&H/MS meetings and UC councillor meetings if any and meetings w sponsors if any?!!!!

oh oh.

oops, forgot to add in 1 thing: how am i going to fit in mambo nights?!

hmm maybe i wun get the job, then i wun haf these worries....we'll see what he says tmr.

tmr i'm going for the jap orch performance at vch w veron, wt and hx. think it'll be quite a good concert. quite a number of bizcom pple will be there too....

today's the last day of exams for sem 2 '2004/2005...know a couple of pple whose papers ended today. pple like junxian, melvin (?)...yay now everyone is on holiday! i wanna go on a holiday, a real one, like out of singapore and no sentosa is NOT included. sigh. doubt there'll be any trips with my family cos chuan is taking his A's this year. bizcom is thinking of having a trip, but i dun see that coming true anytime in the near future. maybe a few closer ones in bizcom could go on a trip like backpacking or sthg like that....hmmm. sounds good.

watched "Shutter" on wed night at my friend's place. oh my gosh. it is kinda scary, much as i hate to admit being freaked out by a mere movie...but it really is! for one thing, it does have an interesting plot..unlike alot of horror flicks nowadays with no plot whatsoever.

the way i see it, this weekend is gonna be my last zo-boh weekend, otherwise known as nothing-to-do weekend. next week onwards its gonna be work work work. and marketing marketing marketing, except that they are taking a long time to reply....

so looking forward to meeting the girls tomorrow!!!!

i need a haircut. should i try a new hairstyle? how new and different can the new hairstyle get anyway? a fringe maybe? i want a new colour too, but prob wait till before sem starts.

i needa go run and swim and exercise. gosh, more than 1.5 years of negligible exercise has resulted in......nevermind, let's not go into that stuff. haha. never knew exercising could create stress esp when it's supposed to destress pple! this hols, working out is an absolute necessity, yea cos uc is coming...

Monday, May 02, 2005

online shopping would be awesome if not for the exchange rates. was and still am at the victoria's secrets site...and there's lots of stuff there that's nice nice and nice!!!

these 2 are really nice.....
sequin ankle-wrap thong $29
lace-back racerback tank $19

yay, tmr would be swimming day with shalynn. prob get abit of a tan too!!! i hope i can wake up and not repeat what erm, happened on sunday morning..

erin 11:08 PM

You Belong in New York City You're an energetic, ambitious woman. And only NYC is fast enough for you. Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer career Or simply take in all the city has to offer What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

erin 10:39 PM

been waiting for quite a while to post this entry cos its the first post after the exams!!! hooray hip hip hurray!!! its over its over its over. haha. i haf nothing good to say about sem 2's examinations. every bit of it sux. from the last minute studying to the last minute cramming-into-my-head part to staying up till 3.30 and waking up at 7am to getting butterflies before the papers (make that alot alot of butterflies) to getting freaked out by the questions at first glance to getting even more freaked out by the person sitting beside you scribbling away quickly but calmly to finishing the paper and having the word "sh*t" come to my head the moment i put my pen down.

darn.

just thinking of it is awfully depressing. nah, not really depressing depressing depression type, just that horrid low down feeling. sigh.

whatever.

the hols are here, all 3 friggin' months of it and i dun wanna think of how i'm gg to do for the past sem. oh oh, i'm thinking of it already as i write..NOooooo!

this is gonna be such an exciting set of holidays! the longest after the 8 months break before uni started last year. actually, as of now, the hols do not look that exciting. BUT, life is only as exciting as i make it out to be, yup holiday plans coming up!

met up w bing and sha earlier, xuan was supposed to come too but she couldn't. we all bought clothes!! got this embroided white spag top from fondhugs and i love it! shall find a good day to wear it...maybe on mambo night?! haha.

we had a lovely dinner at coffee club at taka. 2 maincourses + 2 desserts (muddy mudpie and chocolate truffle). that was good! and calorie-laden. ugh. took quite a few pics, shalynn send them over!! and there're still alot of pics with you!!

came across some pl girls' blogs last night. like terri, pk, zhen, jac, felicia, jemima, michele.....saw their pics too. i hafta say this: jac and jemima look greatly fabulous. makes me so jealous i wanna be in us or uk too...sigh. or australia would be great too! makes me wonder why i passed that offer generously suggested by daddy before jc started....!

time for bed before i become known as the panda. wait, i already look like one!! argh.

erin 1:25 AM