Tuesday, November 29, 2005

it's over!!!

la la la, it's over!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

You Are a Normal Girl

You are 60% Good and 40% Bad Sure you've pulled some bad girl stunts in your past. But these days, you're (mostly) a good girl.

You are White Chocolate

You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in. Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you. You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

just returned from a stats paper that was well...quite traumatizing, to put simply. finished all my questions and didnt leave any blanks but that's hardly the point! the entire 2 hours was just a mad rush of brain cells and fingers attempting to connect fast enough to press the correct buttons on the LBC - little black calculator. don't even think i used the correct distributions in half of the questions!

bleah.

pk was quite unhappy when the paper ended, esp since she felt like bleah before the paper even started. so to PK--> cheer up babe! stats is over....concentrate on psyc and lit! you can do it :)

had yong tau foo at science w y who's having paper now as i type this. last paper! ARGH.
xuan's last paper today too!

c'mon...Tuesday is reachhiiinnnnggggg....! i can actually wait for tuesday to be here cos there's just too much to finish by then. what with 10 chapters of marketing to read and half the syllabus of LCP -language and cognitive processes to stuff into my little head.

bleah again.

the past few days, or the past week rather, has been relatively happy. happier still if i could minus all the exam thingies going around. haha. yay :)

lately it seems, that my initial plan to lose some excesses during this horrifying exam period is erm, clearly not working. WHY?!! must be all the filling dinners at clementi or ginza or hollandv, and even worse, the small snacks like maggi-goreng, ba-zhang, cheese fries at weird hours of the night between 1am to 5am. noooooo..........!

get so so so happy thinking about after exams! just thinking about what i can do after tuesday 3pm is so mood-uplifting :)

so many things i wanna do and so many places i wanna go and so many things i wanna eat.
shall write out my list after the last paper is over.

wonder how this 1 month break is gonna be like...will anything meaningful happen? anything exciting? fun? sad? depressing? hmmm......y's flying next week already so fast..

checked airfare pricing with daddy yesterday
..S$1100 for airfare + taxes to sydney/brisbane..
freaking expensive!

bleah!!!

should i still go? but it'll be fun...and i so desperately badly genuinely honestly very very much need to getouttadearoldlittleislandofsingapore.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

not been concentrating well the past few days on studying. that's what i'm supposed to be doing. only. STUDY!!! but its so hard to concentrate...

i stay up till late reading cos my brain effectively switches on after 930pm or sometimes 10pm. i sleep at 2 or 3am...and set the alarm clock for 730 or 8am. most of the itme, i wake up at 830 or 9am. start studying at 930am. but my brain doesnt officially wake up till almost 12pm.

help..

the eyebags and dark eye rings are so not helping. they're just getting worse day by day.

today is a special day for 3 special pple: mummy, terri and sam.

why?

cos 16th nov is the day they were born! 47, 20 and 20 years ago, respectively.

Happy Birthday Mummy!! i know u'll have fun today with your friends...shopping...having tea...dancing....dinner-ing....you'll enjoy yourself :)

terri's stressed up over her law take-home assignment...3 hours or 3 days? hmm i forgot. but all the best to you girl in the coming exams and the bright and beautiful days ahead! love you!!

sam's over in cornell...i'm not sure if it's exams...or soon-to-be-exams period or if it's break or ....you get the picture.

happy birthday to u..happy birthday to u..happy birthday to yooouuuu...happy birthday to u!

just found out that it's gary's gf's father's birthday today too. haha coincidences!

didnt manage to satisfy my craving for meatballs today (specifically IKEA swedish meatballs) but nvm, shall keep that till another time. i trust that the craving will return haha. instead i had hokkien mee at ginza. not fantastic but it's been so long since i last had it :)

interpersonal issues are so fragile, 1 moment it's sailing on the high seas, the next, it's sinking to the depths.

just read a friend's blog. feel so sad for him. although he onli had 2 entries, that didn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes, that didn't stop me wishing there was something we all could do to make him feel better.

i may not know exactly to what extent he's feeling what he's feeling, for the very fact that i've not been through it but cos we know how much she means to him, that makes it even sadder.

realised that i know a few pple who have been in similar situations as my friend mentioned above. in each case, the similarities are evident: at least 3 years, she left him sad...

at a lost as to what to say to him, but i really hope you'll pull through this. when u need pple to talk to, u know there's us; if u can get up and start walking on your own, u know u've emerged stronger than ever.

Monday, November 14, 2005

yesterday was mummy's birthday lunch. she wanted to bring us out in advance cos she'll be celebrating and partying with her friends this wednesday and cos chuan's having exams the whole week. we had dim sum at this restaurant in toa payoh and the food is goooodddd...just as i felt like having dim sum last week while i was in school, she totally read my mind!

our initial plan was to pay for lunch while she was away in the ladies hopefully. but noooo she refused to leave the table at all haha. nvm, we'll give her a nice big treat after my exams :)

i saw alot of stars last night. they were really very pretty and very bright! i think the time was called the winter sky or something like that......

there was the orion belt, canis major, procyon star, betelgeuse star, taurus's eye, and a lot more that i can't remember..

all these astronomy-related stuff are sooo interesting but hmm, i've never really read up much on it..only abit here and there. shall do something about that this hols.

back to studying....

Sunday, November 13, 2005

it's over. officially. entirely.

it ended on a horrible horrible note. exactly the way i didn't want. what i didn't want most..has happened and will happen.

i dunno if u'll read this, but i'm going to speak anyway. you think i'm that cold-hearted b*tch who cares and bothers bout no one except herself, and who doesnt even bother to try and consider others' feelings, specifically yours. well, guess what, i'm not.

you find it hard to say some things and that's fine. when i find it tough to voice issues, such that you dunno what's going in my head, it's my fault. u'll prob say again that it's not the time to decide who's fault it is now, but throughout the real conversation that we had 2 hours ago, everything points to me. i do admit i am at fault. but entirely and completely? that's uncalled for.

you throw accusations in my face as if doing what u said i did is my forte. i don't even do that to you. i wonder if u've ever really thought about what you throw. how i went in the opposite direction from what you did when we decided to try again..you know that's not true. as of now, i'm not denying that i'm closer to ym and meet him more often, but that's only happened about a month ago, most certainly not when we decided on it. it's just so convenient for you to say that isn't it. i told you i can be mean if i really want to, but sometimes i'd rather forget it. like how you claim u were the one who felt that two of u were getting too close...apparently that's not what i heard. but nvm, that's hardly of any importance now isn't it?

if you felt that bothering about my life was such a chore, why didn't you voice it out earlier? that would have spared you the misery and agony. why put yourself through more unhappy times? have i really changed from the time you knew me end last year? am i the only who changed? i'd really appreciate it if you can ask yourself those questions.

if you had doubts about me and what i said all along, then why didn't you say so? why pretend to try to sound and look as if you believed me yet use a tone that clearly says how skeptical you are? know what i mean by you being sarcastic? well, that's it. like how easily it is for you to sound like you're scoffing at what i say or do.

you cant really blame me for thinking that what i do is insignificant to you. because based on the tone and attitude you give, that's really the impression i get. you can say i've not tried hard enough, but u cant say i didn't try. it just coincidentally turns out that whenever i do something, something else just has to turn it upside down, and the focus turns out to be the negative event instead. that's when all the unhappiness starts pouring in and its horrid.

it's sad to even think of how we've barely had anything decent to talk about the past few times we've met up. it's just the usual conversational topics. i hate it when it gets so trying just talking..when it's so serious and solemn and unhappy and tense. we didn't even have anything to talk about did we? well, we don't have anything to talk about now.

thank you for the 2.5 months we had. after that, the majority of the time was just filled with unhappy things. you wanted to know why i cant talk to you when i can tell other pple how i feel. it's simple really, thinking about it. because you are the one involved. it's hard enough for me to even talk to an external person about this, what makes you think it's easier to talk to u about such stuff? you always make yourself sound like the only person having it tough while i'm the one making it tough for you. have you thought of how it isn't easy for me too? it doesn't matter now if u've thought about that because nothing else matters.

seeing lydia and arthur earlier made me think about how we never had that. you cansay that i can't/don't want to/don't dare to commit, i don't wish to argue cos it's true that i haf a problem with that.

i'm sorry i made you miserable that you had to bother about me. h-o-s-t-i-l-e spells the way things are between us now. now that it's made clear..clearer than it has ever been the entire year, you can go ahead with your life and lead it the way you want to, without being held back o feeling obligated to anything and anyone. on my side, i won't be hearing anymore accusations thrown in my face, or sardonic remarks about what i do or do not do. i never knew how far my patience level could be tested, but u sure break the record sometimes. this is an unfriendly entry and you may not even read it. but i just had to say it.

i wonder how things will be in future. will we ever talk normally again? or just walk past each other trying hard to behave as if you never saw me and vice versa and awkwardly saying hello without a smile at most?

what i most didn't want to happen has happened the way it shouldn't. what's gg to happen next year? it's so tempting to just pull out now, but i don't want to be such a loser and failure. it's time to grow up erin, and learn the meaning of independence. having an obstacle in front doesn't mean you backtrack and avoid crossing it...it only means that you have to clear that blockage in order to move on.

i wish you all the best in everything that you do.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

more photos from nussu appreciation dinner that i found.. there's 1 missing...the one with me and jiahe..

the past few days have not been good.

there was stats report which i finished in the span of less than 3 days..sounds long i know, but trust me..it's not! there was dev psyc test on thurs morning that i only barely managed to finish flipping through before the test, i.e. i only read 4 out of 16 chapters from the textbook but skimmed through the notes. sigh. it wasn't even a tough paper and there were so many questions that i had to do guesswork. sigh again. collected dev psyc term paper...not so fantastic really. triple sigh.

sigh sigh sigh.

i expected friday to be a mad day with alot of travelling...thankfully it wasnt so bad.
the initial plan was:

wake up early in clementi, go home to thomson, fill in the form and submit it in amk, go to lavender to collect my renewed (!) passport and then to kallang to have yummy beancurd, then to novena to submit a copy of the new passport, and then to orchard to get lydia's present and meet sha jx ym for dinner, and maybe come back to clementi for the night.

BUT, what happened turned out to be:

woke up late in clementi, travelled through balastiar, serangoon, little india, bugis, and more and finally lavender to collect my renewed passport, next to aljunied, tanjong rhu, national stadium, east coast rd to get to macs, then through potong pasir,geylang bahru, farrer park, geylang, boon keng and more to reach kallang for beancurd, then through potong pasir, braddell, toa payoh, thomson, lornie, farrer rd, holland, ulu pandan, to get back to clementi. this isn't the end. out again through aye, jurong, boon lay to get to jurong point, back to aye, buona vista, clementi, ulu pandan, holland, farrer, lornie, upper thomson for prata and finally lornie, farrer, holland, ulu pandan and clementi!!

what a great difference! haha.

but it was fun :)

next week it's mummy's bday, but i dun think we can go out for dinner to celebrate for her cos chuan's prob having papers on thurs and fri too. hmm..we need to discuss this. and again, mummy's gonna get a belated present, just like alot of other years that have passed.

should i go to brisbane during dec? sounds like lotsa fun and soaking in the sun! maybe chuan will wanna go to with yanjia..yay....we could have christmas down under!

chuan says that i didn't give him acknowledgement for my pictures on my blog...specifically the ones that are in the collage form (for dolus and vader)....

CHUAN: thanks for introducing piccasa to me! esp since its way easier than photoshop and i am such an idiot at photoshop. actually i'm pretty much an idiot on computer programmes haha. thanks to chuan, i now have pretty pretty pictures to combine and put up here.... love you!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

this is the box packaging for my entrepreneurial marketing module project - zany pizza!
the actual name for it is a flat-top (??) food box, according to a really cool website that has loads of packagings for whatever reasons you can think of.

the opening portion of the box was directly adapted from the prototype diagram given in the website, the base of the box which can open and close, was directly adapted from the mcdonald's happy meal box base. i had to eat a happy meal to get the box :(

this box was made out of normal vanguard and its creater is me!

proudly brought to you by Crenova - we are the ones who are bringing Zany Pizza to you!

cakes from secret recipe: the huge one is chocolate-something and the smaller one is americano cheesecake. yummilicious!



hmm, was supposed to look interested in the food...but ended up looking strangely cynical....


2nd close up of the delicious afternoon teatime cakes!!


hoonie stayed over on monday aka halloween! we had dinner at ikea (no, no meatballs) -- the sambal fish dish was really tasty. halloween was triple-dessert-day, unfortunately.

round 1: vanilla cream ice cream in cone from the IKEA food kiosk
round 2: triple-deck chocolate cake slice from the IKEA restaurant
round 3: unknown flavoured cheesecake slice from secret recipe, courtesy of ym (and his frens) who bought 6 whole cakes from there!!

sigh, there wasn't any halloween celebration this year. not fun!! where's the halloween dinner at a really cool place? where's the dressing up and making up? where's the halloween party?! nvm, this isn't a good time to celebrate anyway, but hoonie staying over sure was fun! so sorry girl, u ended up sleeping sooooo late cos of the rain. it was raining like nuts on halloween night all the way from around midnight to about 4am. as such, ym was stranded here...with 2 of us driving him crazy, and could onli drive back when the rain subsided. haha.

halloween 31st oct was also my parents' wedding anniversary for erm...24 years i think. happy anniversary mummy and pa :)

i have decided.

i will not let others dictate my life for me, not as of now that is.

i want to be able to decide on my own, for myself, based on what i want to do.

i don't want to reconsider and reconsider and reconsider my decision(s) because of the actions of others, and because i usually think things will turn out for the worst, such that i decide not to in the end and eventually come to regret it.

i don't want to regret it this time because such a opportunity comes once in a lifetime and if it slips away...i'll probably not get to experience it this way again.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

i'm going for work and travel usa next summer hols :)

although it'll be fantabulous if a few particular people could go, but circumstances are such that things do not always go the way you want and so u've gotta accept it. oh well.

also, i have to quit thinking about the possibilities of anything screwing up between now and later because it only scares me silly and makes me reconsider, yet again, whether i decided correctly.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

i forgot to mention this: thanks alot alot alot for listening and making me think harder and deeper, and for the advice. it meant so much.

thishasgottobethedownestperiodofthesem,andpossiblytheyear.ormaybenot.

been feeling absolutely fabulous the past few days or was it weeks?? i cant even remember. that is, if one believes that "absolutely fabulous" consists of:

no smiles
small or large amounts of water falling out of the windows to your soul
thinking-but-not-thinking
hitting the pillows at an earliest of 3am everynight
growing sideways
arguments
silent wars
and a whole load of other sh*t.

why do i feel like tat? it's not healthy, i know, and i am really dying to get out of this neverending hole, but i don't know what to do. some pple think that i do know what i want, and that i do know what to do, but the bottomline in this hole is that i cant make myself acknowledge the fact that THAT is what i want and THAT is what i'll do. it's so tough.

i encounter something and decide on it and say it out. after a while, i think that maybe, just maybe the other option sounds better, so i change my decision. when the real thing comes, the other option just doesnt make me feel like it's right, but then again, neither does the first! what on earth is happening? maybe a concussion will do the trick --> just knock all the unhappy stuff outta my head and when i wake up, i there issues will be there no longer and neither the head nor the heart would have to deal with them any further. or maybe i should go be a nun, but i'll have to shave my head and i cant quite bear to.

that aside, the dateline for work and travel usa 2006 payment is this saturday, in 3 days time. initially, i was all set and honestly looking forward to spending summer there. and then 1 week before, sha comes and tells me that her parents disapprove of it. what was i supposed to do there and there? i did what came naturally, just sat at my table at home, 1 hand holding my hp displaying the sms, while my eyes watered. sounds silly i know, but i was that sad :(

the onli reply i msged back to her was 3 words that werent so nice. felt bad after doing that, but there just wasnt anymore mood to 'say something nice' although i know it's not her fault and that her parents were concerned for her. oh well.

spent the days after that thinking about what to do. to go or not to go - that is the question.

although i was all ready for bed in pjs and with brushed teeth, i still went out for supper. it was a tour around northern singapore - amk, mandai, some expressway, woodlands, mandai again, amk again, jalan kayu finally. prata there is friggin expensive.

seldom do i just talk about what's bothering and making me feel totally off, but that night, i talked. and more than that, but that shall be kept offline. i said out for the 1st time why i felt like the b*tch in this, why this misery is building up, that i really really really want to throw everything and everyone away and just don't bother, that i cant feel nothing nowadays and how numb everything is to me.

that done, i know it's horrible but the reality still has to be faced, there's no point running away from it and pushing it into oblivion cos u never know when it'll come back to smack you in the face in future.

courage is when you know you're licked before you start, but you start anyway and see through it no matter what ~Harper Lee in TKAMB~

atticus finch stuck through what he felt was the right thing to do by being attorney for tom robinson, despite the downsides and negative feedback and actions he was experiencing from those around him. i'm not getting snide remarks or caricactures in newspapers about what i'm doing (or not doing), so it's not so bad, but if finch could do it, well, i wanna be able to do it too.

it's the battle of the Stressors now, let's see who wins - developmental psyc or lcp or marketing or stats or cnm or ME!!

i'm placing my bets on ME!!

going nuts...
if you read this, and if i see you in school or something and you think i look uninterested in talking or even saying hi to you, pls don't be mistaken, i'm not.

i'm just tired.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

some Dolus pics that i dug out from my laptop. there're still alot more that i didn't save in this comp.

saw familiar faces like clement and nana at forum this afternoon. i was there for proj meeting and they were there studying. so nice warm and fuzzy to see them cos it onli reminded me of the past 2 sems, esp sem 1, where we all studied together in the library whenever possible. frequency of that happening nowadays is decreasing. sadly.

anyway, i love you guys! study hard and study smart for this round of challenges, whether it's the best or worst sem u've had so far! looking forward to meeting up, hanging around, shopping, messing about with you all after exams!!