Sunday, November 13, 2005

it's over. officially. entirely.

it ended on a horrible horrible note. exactly the way i didn't want. what i didn't want most..has happened and will happen.

i dunno if u'll read this, but i'm going to speak anyway. you think i'm that cold-hearted b*tch who cares and bothers bout no one except herself, and who doesnt even bother to try and consider others' feelings, specifically yours. well, guess what, i'm not.

you find it hard to say some things and that's fine. when i find it tough to voice issues, such that you dunno what's going in my head, it's my fault. u'll prob say again that it's not the time to decide who's fault it is now, but throughout the real conversation that we had 2 hours ago, everything points to me. i do admit i am at fault. but entirely and completely? that's uncalled for.

you throw accusations in my face as if doing what u said i did is my forte. i don't even do that to you. i wonder if u've ever really thought about what you throw. how i went in the opposite direction from what you did when we decided to try again..you know that's not true. as of now, i'm not denying that i'm closer to ym and meet him more often, but that's only happened about a month ago, most certainly not when we decided on it. it's just so convenient for you to say that isn't it. i told you i can be mean if i really want to, but sometimes i'd rather forget it. like how you claim u were the one who felt that two of u were getting too close...apparently that's not what i heard. but nvm, that's hardly of any importance now isn't it?

if you felt that bothering about my life was such a chore, why didn't you voice it out earlier? that would have spared you the misery and agony. why put yourself through more unhappy times? have i really changed from the time you knew me end last year? am i the only who changed? i'd really appreciate it if you can ask yourself those questions.

if you had doubts about me and what i said all along, then why didn't you say so? why pretend to try to sound and look as if you believed me yet use a tone that clearly says how skeptical you are? know what i mean by you being sarcastic? well, that's it. like how easily it is for you to sound like you're scoffing at what i say or do.

you cant really blame me for thinking that what i do is insignificant to you. because based on the tone and attitude you give, that's really the impression i get. you can say i've not tried hard enough, but u cant say i didn't try. it just coincidentally turns out that whenever i do something, something else just has to turn it upside down, and the focus turns out to be the negative event instead. that's when all the unhappiness starts pouring in and its horrid.

it's sad to even think of how we've barely had anything decent to talk about the past few times we've met up. it's just the usual conversational topics. i hate it when it gets so trying just talking..when it's so serious and solemn and unhappy and tense. we didn't even have anything to talk about did we? well, we don't have anything to talk about now.

thank you for the 2.5 months we had. after that, the majority of the time was just filled with unhappy things. you wanted to know why i cant talk to you when i can tell other pple how i feel. it's simple really, thinking about it. because you are the one involved. it's hard enough for me to even talk to an external person about this, what makes you think it's easier to talk to u about such stuff? you always make yourself sound like the only person having it tough while i'm the one making it tough for you. have you thought of how it isn't easy for me too? it doesn't matter now if u've thought about that because nothing else matters.

seeing lydia and arthur earlier made me think about how we never had that. you cansay that i can't/don't want to/don't dare to commit, i don't wish to argue cos it's true that i haf a problem with that.

i'm sorry i made you miserable that you had to bother about me. h-o-s-t-i-l-e spells the way things are between us now. now that it's made clear..clearer than it has ever been the entire year, you can go ahead with your life and lead it the way you want to, without being held back o feeling obligated to anything and anyone. on my side, i won't be hearing anymore accusations thrown in my face, or sardonic remarks about what i do or do not do. i never knew how far my patience level could be tested, but u sure break the record sometimes. this is an unfriendly entry and you may not even read it. but i just had to say it.

i wonder how things will be in future. will we ever talk normally again? or just walk past each other trying hard to behave as if you never saw me and vice versa and awkwardly saying hello without a smile at most?

what i most didn't want to happen has happened the way it shouldn't. what's gg to happen next year? it's so tempting to just pull out now, but i don't want to be such a loser and failure. it's time to grow up erin, and learn the meaning of independence. having an obstacle in front doesn't mean you backtrack and avoid crossing it...it only means that you have to clear that blockage in order to move on.

i wish you all the best in everything that you do.